


Bound in the Balance

by ReyandKnight



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Confessions, Dreaming, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 15:15:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8994742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReyandKnight/pseuds/ReyandKnight
Summary: He sees her struggles. He feels her frustrations. He senses her presence in the Force, a sensation that echoes his own. He feels compelled to help her, to tell her the truth about herself and himself. How much he ends up telling her, he didn't expect.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheBridgeIntoYourMind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBridgeIntoYourMind/gifts).



Rey rushed forward at Luke, the Skywalker lightsaber held firmly in her hands. She raised the lightsaber to swipe down on Luke. As the weapon drew closer, Luke raised his own lightsaber, deflecting Rey’s blow to his left. She swung her blade at his chest, only to be deflected again.

“Stay calm, Rey. Let the Force guide you,” Luke commanded.

She tried to recall the last time she used the Force to guide her, all the way back on Starkiller Base. She had felt the energy flow through her before she bore down on that _monster_ who called himself Kylo Ren.

 _Master Luke’s nephew_.

Internally she cursed herself. Now was not the time to be thinking about him. She raised her weapon again and tried to channel the Force. She charged towards Luke again, her strikes more swift, more forceful than before. Luke gasped before twisting his lightsaber around Rey’s to force it out of her hands. Rey stood there, dumbfounded, frustrated, staring at Luke.

“What was that for?” Rey demanded.

“You can’t let your anger guide your actions,” Luke responded through a tight voice.

Now Rey was even more confused, and frustrated. “I thought I _was_ using the Force!” she retorted.

“No, Rey,” Luke let out a frustrated sigh.

“What am I doing wrong?” Rey asked, exasperated.

Luke looked at Rey with a stern expression. “You need to stop relying on your emotions when you battle. Emotions such as anger and fear can pull you to the Dark side. You need to control your emotions so as not to let the Dark side consume you.”

“I’ve resisted the Dark side before!” Rey protested.

“When?” he asked.

“When I was fighting Kylo Ren, on Starkiller Base. I felt the Dark side tempting me to kill him, but I resisted.”

“How?”

“I just- I don’t know. I just decided not to give in to the Dark side. I didn’t want to get pulled in.” Rey hesitated. “I felt the Force flowing through me when I fought Kylo Ren. I thought it was what helped me defeat him.”

Luke looked puzzled. “Did you feel angry at that time, as well?”

Rey hesitated again. ”Y-yes…”

Luke’s face was grave. “You’re just like Ben.”

Rey flinched.

Luke continued. “He too let his emotions, his anger and fear, rule him. You cannot let yourself become like him.”

“But I-“

“Enough. Meditate for the rest of the afternoon. Try to control your emotions.”

“But what if the Force is guiding me through my emotions?” Rey challenged.

That stopped Luke. Clearly he was not prepared for that. He shook his head. “Focus on controlling your emotions. You’ll never become a Jedi if you can’t reign your feelings in.” He walked away, leaving her confused and frustrated.

 

 

It wasn’t the first he’ spied on her through the bond.

How much longer he’d be able to watch her without noticing, he couldn’t predict. Until then, he’d learn as much as he could about her.

He’s seen her training, her growth, her struggles, her pain. He’s _felt_ all of it. And it all felt too familiar.

But today, _today_ hit too close to home.

He’d felt that Rey was like him. His entire life, he hadn’t been able to fully embrace the Light, and now it was beginning to look like he would never be able to fully embrace the Dark. He was trapped, somewhere in the middle, both sides offering him something but neither offering him everything. The creeping realization that he’d never find the inner peace he needed was daunting. And now he was worried she would be the same.

He’d grown oddly attached to her through his eavesdropping. He was impressed by her resilience, her courage, her determination, and her unlikely sense of humor. He could see why his uncle would take to her so quickly. On the surface, she seemed like the perfect apprentice. But deep down, Ren could see why she would clash with the Jedi and his outdated teachings.

And now he knew. He knew Rey had too much Dark in her to become a Jedi. He’d had his suspicions, and for whatever reason, he’d been hoping that Skywalker would be more understanding, more willing to help Rey in the way she needed. Instead, Skywalker treated her the same way he treated Ren. He became inexplicably furious at this. Was he truly concerned for Rey, or was he just angry his uncle refused to learn from his mistakes? Surely that must be it. Maybe not.

Ren considered reaching out to Rey. Surely she could use help dealing with the power inside herof yet outside both Light and Dark.

But…

Not even he knew how to control it. But he might be able to understand her more than Skywalker could.

He knew how much the loneliness, the feelings of inadequacy hurt.

He found the idea of her suffering like that intolerable.

Curse his compassion for her.

 

 

Rey stumbled into bed, mentally drained. She could not for the life of her figure out what Master Luke wanted her to accomplish. Just when she’d thought she’d come far from where she started, it turned out she had been doing everything wrong. She thought it was okay to feel her emotions and use them as long as she let the Force guide her, but according to Master Luke, that would only lead her to the Dark side. She groaned in frustration, throwing her head back on her pillow. She didn’t _feel_ like she was becoming darker or more evil or whatever Luke was worried about. She trusted Luke, though, and he was the galaxy’s last hope, so maybe she should listen to him.

_Rey._

Rey froze. She remembered that voice.

Kylo Ren.

But, it wasn’t possible! She ran outside, lightsaber blazing, looking for his ship. The island looked as it normally did, no unusual shapes breaking up the horizon. “Where are you?” she asked frantically.

No response.

She thought about waking Master Luke, but decided against it. Maybe she was imagining things. Today had been stressful. After Luke left her to meditate, she’d been plagued by thoughts of Kylo Ren. She tried to meditate, but kept recalling when he impaled Han Solo, slashed Finn’s back, probed her mind, fought her against the cliff. The anger she felt against him seemed justified at the time. _So what was wrong?_

She stumbled back into her bed, thoroughly exhausted from the day she had. Her head hit the pillow, and this time she let sleep claim her.

 

 

This wasn’t right.

It didn’t feel like a normal dream. She felt _awake_ somehow, she could actively think, feel. A swirling void of grays and purples surrounded her.

 _Where am I?_ she thought.

“Rey.”

That same voice. She whipped around and saw Kylo Ren, standing on the same plane of nothing she appeared to be standing on.

“W-what are you doing here?” she stammered out, not sure if her fury or her fear made her shake.

Kylo Ren appeared to hesitate before answering. “I’m only here to talk to you.”

Rey settled on fury. “And why should I talk to you? You killed your own father! You killed Han Solo!”

Ren grunted in frustration. This was not going to be easy “That’s not what I’m here to discuss. Why do you even care so much? You barely knew him. He shouldn’t be that important to you.”

Rey gaped before pulling her mouth into a scowl, tears forming in her eyes. After the day she’d had, she needed a good night’s sleep, but clearly that wasn’t going to happen. “I think you should know by now! Remember when you held me prisoner and invaded my mind? You’re the one who told me how lonely I’ve been my entire life! That I think of Han Solo as my own father!”

“You didn’t even know him very long-“

“That’s not the point!” Tears began streaming down Rey’s face. “I spent almost my entire life on Jakku. I had to fight to survive every day. I haven’t had anyone to take care of me since I was twelve, and I’ve watched people I’d considered friends either get killed, die of starvation, or leave me behind, just like my parents,” Rey’s voice faltered. She swallowed, then continued. “I kept hoping my parents would come back for me. I…I don’t know when I realized they weren’t coming back for me, but I kept convincing myself they would. I passed up on so many opportunities to leave Jakku and do something with my life.” A small but sad smile pulled at the corners of Rey’s mouth. “I finally left Jakku, thanks to Finn and BB-8. I finally did something other than surviving and waiting for a family that was never coming back for me. Something more exciting than a big haul or generous visitors.”

“They were the reason I left Jakku. Then we got boarded by Han Solo-“ her voice began to waver, “-and he offered me a stable job. He offered to let me join him and Chewie. I could have finally had a place I belonged to, after aiding the Resistance. I refused, thinking I should go back to Jakku and wait for a family that would never come back for me, but for the first time in my life, I felt _wanted_. I felt like I could finally do something with my life, and have people care about me. After I escaped you, they came back. Finn, Han, Chewie, they all came back for me. I felt like I was finally free.” The tears wouldn’t stop falling. “And you took that away from me. You killed Han, and you almost killed Finn. You broke my _family_ , why should I ever listen to what you have to say?”

Ren couldn’t hold back. “He was my _father_ , do you think I _wanted_ to kill him?!” he roared. “Despite the hell I went through because of him and my mother, and Luke, do you really think I wanted to kill him?”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I was scared!”

“You killed him because you were _scared_?” Rey mocked.

It was Ren’s turn to tear up. “I wanted to leave Snoke. I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged anywhere. I couldn’t make it as a Jedi, and I’m failing under Snoke. But Luke, Han, Mother, at least it felt like they cared. At least they loved me. I know I’ve done horrible things, Han knew it, but he still wanted me back. I don’t know what would have awaited me, but I wanted to leave. I wanted to feel like people cared about me.” Ren’s voice was shaking. “When I saw the star disappear, I thought it was all over. I tried to convince Snoke not to destroy the Illenium System, but he wouldn’t budge.”

Rey’s eyes widened. She never would have thought he would do that.

“When the weapon was charged, I thought it was over. I knew mother was with the Resistance, and that she would be destroyed by Starkiller Base. I guess I thought I was being merciful in killing Han, so hewouldn’t have to live with my mother’s death. I thought if I had no home to return to, I might as well not have any family at all.” His voice broke at the end.

Rey felt something inside her move for Kylo Ren. Was it sympathy? “H-… How did you end up in a situation like this?” Rey struggled to keep her voice steady.

Ren drew in a deep breath. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I know you’re struggling, Rey, just like I did when I was training under Luke.”

“W-what? How do you know that?”

“The same way I’m communicating to you now. We have a connection through the Force. Throuh it, I’ve been able to see what you’re doing, thinking, and feeling whenever I want to.”

“You’ve been spying on me?” Rey felt violated.

He had the decency to look remorseful. “I was…concerned about you. I had a feeling you were similar to me-“

“Similar how?” Rey interrupted.

“The Force. The Light side, and the Dark side. You’ll never be able to be able to fully embrace either one, because like me, you possess both sides.”

“But, how? Master Luke said his father overcame the Dark side by embracing the Light.”

Ren looked slightly agitated at that, but continued. “I am not my grandfather, and neither are you. We’re… different. I’m sure we’re not the only ones like this who have existed in the galaxy, but teachings for people like us likely haven’t survived. So we get to choose to reject half of who we are.”

“Why did you reject the Light?”

“I didn’t learn who my grandfather was until I was 23 years old. My family had lied to me for 23 years about Darth Vader being Anakin Skywalker, being my grandfather. Snoke never tried to lie to me about my Dark side origins, so I thought he was more trustworthy. He also promised me the power the Dark side could bring me. After feeling powerless under Luke, the promise of power was particularly enticing.”

“But the power isn’t what you always wanted,” Rey guessed.

Ren looked regretful. “I thought it was. But Snoke has no compassion. He thinks it makes a person weak.” He gazed into Rey’s eyes at that.

“So, you missed feeling compassion?”

Ren sighed. “I did. I do. I hate where I’m at.”

“I’ll never join the First Order,” Rey swore.

Ren smirked. “Good. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.”

Rey faltered. “So, wait. Should I just stay with Luke then? Even though I’ll never be able to become a Jedi?”

Ren began to walk towards Rey. Hesitantly, he lifted a hand and rested it on her shoulder. “I’ve come to care about you, Rey. I don’t want you to suffer the way I have. I want you to feel safe, and loved, and-“

“Leia loves you,” Rey was almost pleading.

“I don’t know why she would.”

“She wants you back! I couldn’t understand it, but I think I do now. Ren, she wants you back home, safe.”

Ren looked saddened by the news. “I don’t think I could ever leave Snoke now.”

“Then why did you come to me-“ Rey was cut off by the –somehow- very physically _real_ feeling of Ren’s arms around her.

“I wanted to warn you,” he shuddered. “I wanted to tell you that you probably won’t be able to follow Luke’s teachings, but it’s not because you’re inadequate. You’re powerful as you are, but the way the Force exists in you won’t allow you to live in only one side. If you can, find a balance.” He pulled away, setting both hands on her shoulders and lowering his head so they were face-to-face. “I’ve seen your struggles, Rey. No one who’s seen what I’ve seen can deny you the effort you’ve put in to your training. Anyone else should almost be Luke’s master at this point.” Rey’s mouth quirked up at the corners. “You’re trying, but this isn’t where you would excel. Ren’s face came closer. Rey didn’t flinch. “Continue being resilient. You’ll become even more powerful than me. His lips ghosted over hers before he faded away.

 

 

And with that, the dream was gone.

Rey sat up, tears on her face fresh and freely flowing.

 

 

Kylo Ren slowly opened his eyes.

His compassion for her was going to be the death of him.


End file.
